People & events that made my 2008!

To some of my closest friends (you know who you are):

You've been there for me through a lot over the last few months, and thank you for all of it. You are my strength and I wouldn't have been able to get to where I am now if not for you. I owe you a lot for that and someday I hope to be there for you the same way. 

That said, I'm sorry if I've done anything to disappoint you or if I've worried you unnecessarily. For everything you've done for me, you should know that I'll never let you down. 

Love always,

D.

:-)

I'm in a happy place and feel like posting today. It's been a while since I last did, so I'm going to make this an update kind of a post. 

Here's some other stuff that's happened in between then and now, and from some time before then:

• The homies: I've spent a fair amount of time with Kank, Yemi, Pree & Sexy Ranga, and it's been fantastic. I love them to bits! 

• Goa: The crazy trip brought Kank and me much closer, and it feels great. Apart from some mistakes I wish I'd never made, I'd say it was one of the best trips I've ever had!

• Supriya returns to Hyd: She came back a year and three months after she first left. Even though I'd already been in touch with her through the time she was away, it was different having her over here. Once she got here, it was almost like she'd never left!

• Bomb Scare at Omega: Last Friday, while we were getting lunch, there was a bomb scare at the office building and we had to evacuate the building. The experience was unreal and I can only be really thankful that it was a hoax. 
• Christmas '08: Once again, it was a family affair. But this year, the family has changed and grown! It was a fun, fantastic evening and I won't be forgetting it for a long time to come. 

• Stephen the little blue hippopotamus: He is now a part of my life, and that makes me very happy! 

Next, I'm looking forward to meeting the girls in Mumbai early next week, and then to spending Christmas in Bangalore with Anusha-Nandhini, and New Years in Pondicherry with family. 

All in all, I'm satisfied with life and where I stand today. I'll definitely be posting before the end of the year.

And, I'll keep smiling! 

:-)

To be or not to be a mistake

In our daily lives, we all make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes you know immediately that your actions were wrong. Then, there are other times when it feels alright at first. Then suddenly something starts to chew you up on the inside. It all starts feeling so wrong. So very wrong. And this feeling is so much worse than the first.

Wouldn't it be easier if we could tell if we've made a mistake or not, even before we are going to commit it?

Glass Half Full

The day before yesterday, I received more news. Disgusting news. Sick news. News that made me want to find the nearest bag, and vomit into it. Yes, it was WRT the break up. 

I'd just started to think that everything would be fine again. And, here was this truth, sticking out in front of me, telling me that it wasn't. I've tried a very long time to see the glass half full. I do believe that things get better. In fact, just the previous day, I'd noticed a sad status message on a friend's facebook profile, and out of concern I'd checked in to see if everything was ok. Here's how our conversation went (slightly edited):

me: if i may ask.. why the sad status?

him: depressing times

me: it will get better

it always does

him: budday soon, and cog-in-the-machine-frustration

me: i can totally relate to that feeling!

him: actually, funnily (albeit in a dark way), it always gets worse

me: no. it doesnt. it always gets better.

and don't you worry - we'll find a way to drive away your brithday blues

him: :)

hopefully the blore and goa trips will provide some momentary relief

me: i'm hoping for the same!

no wait. what nonsense. really. stop being morose.

nothing is so bad

him: hmm yeah

will try to be upbeat

So, as you can see, while I doubt myself at times, at the end of the day, I know that I am the kind of person who believes that it always gets better. 

At least that's what I thought, until I found out that it actually gets worse. Once you've tried to be cheery about things for so long, you really start to doubt if the glass is really half full anymore. And then, here is the conversation that followed (again, slightly edited):

me: you're right. it goes downhill.

him: what happens?

me: shit happens. you're so totally right. it doesn't get better. it gets worse. only worse.

...

him: hmm

oye

cheer up

it gets bad

and it gets worse

me: yeah.. i get that

him: but as long as you rant and let it not bog you down, it's perfectly okay

so rant rant rant to everyone of your friends

and go grab some ice cream

me: (bad throat, rmember)

him: then rant about that too

life's unfair

(sorry, i'm pretty cynical)

you call someone you can trust as a friend and rant and rant

me: 

trust me, i'll be doing that

It was like I was a different person all together, in just under 24 hours. I had turned cynical too. It bothered me that I was thinking that way. I'd let my doubts get the better of me. Since I couldn't have the ice cream (owing to a bad throat), I ran instead. I went upstairs to the gym and ran. Ran, ran and ran. 

Suddenly I found myself thinking straight again. I conquered that doubt. Life is unfair. And life does throw some pretty horrid moments at you. Life gets tough. It's gets bad. And then it does get worse. But, at the end of that, it gets better. It always does. 

How it is going to get better, I honestly don't know. But I know that one day it will. And when it does, I'll be posting about it. 

Until then, here's to life and all its ups and downs! Cheers!

From The Heart

Ringo hasn't been well. And now it's gotten worse. He's suffering from a condition called Sub Aortic Stenosis. Apparently, it is very common in his breed. The last one day has probably been his hardest, and there was nothing that I can do. His liver, stomach and lungs are retaining huge amounts of water and that's making it hard for him to breathe, sit or even open his eyes. He is struggling to get from minute to minute. 

 I don't pray much, but suddenly I feel the need to. 

I pray that he'll be fine and will run again. 

I pray that he'll yearn for the weekly vanilla ice cream the way he used to. 

I pray that he'll run to the door everytime he knows someone's back home.

I pray that he'll jump back on to the bed in the middle of the night, to snuggle between the sisters. 

I pray that he'll run down the driveway and into the lift after his regular walk, the way he used to. 

I pray that he'll live his full life, so I can repay him for everything that he's taught me. 

Most of all, I pray that he doesn't suffer, because he deserves none of it. 

Darshini Ink.

I'd been wanting a tattoo for quite some time now, but I wasn't sure what I'd wanted and so never really went ahead with it. Then, sometime last week, when I was running on the treadmill of the office gym along side the ex and the most recent of his young lovers, it struck me that it would be ideal for me to get a tattoo that symbolizes inner strength. 

The break up wasn't easy. I know that it took some courage and strength on my part to survive it. I pride myself in that. I wanted the tattoo to remind me be that way for the rest of my life. 

So, on October 26, Nandu (thank you, for coming with me) and I set out. And, after much running around in the sun, I finally got the tattoo! 

I love it! 

Here's a pic that was taken much later - November 1, 2008 - at Pree's fabulous Gossip Girl party (I'll be posting about it another day) - 

Man! I feel like a woman!

Today, I came in to work 10 minutes later than usual, with two bags in one hand, and a plate of breakfast in the other. I looked for a place to put my bags and plate down, but all my desk space was taken up by this rather large pink teddy bear-

Anyone who knows me will know that I don't quite appreciate anything that is pink, fake, fluffy or meant for kids.  

In expected fashion, I screamed out to no one is general, until my pink-loving neighbor picked it up and took it far far away from me. After putting my bags down, and getting in a bite or two, I spent a few minutes pulling Maya's leg for wanting to use the bear as a training aid. 

An hour later, Sam pings me, saying that the rather large pink teddy bear belonged to someone on the team and that they were upset with the way I'd spoken about it. 

I pinged this owner of the rather large pink teddy bear to apologize, and here's how the conversation went:

Me: hey

Owner of the rather large pink teddy bear: hey sup

Me: hey - i didnt know that the teddy was yours!

i'm just not a big kid or teddy fan -

didnt mean to hurt you in anyway

sorry :(

Owner of the rather large pink teddy bear: okay

cool

Me: Sorry, owner of the rather large pink teddy bear! Please don't take it personally

I'm that way with kids/teddys with everyone!

Owner of the rather large pink teddy bear: cool

Me: :)

Owner of the rather large pink teddy bear: my team gifted it to me

I guess they will feel more bad than me

Me: sorry!

Owner of the rather large pink teddy bear: np

What was she expecting me to say? Did expect me to stand up in the team area and apologize to all those who were responsible for the existence of the rather large pink teddy bear? I didn't feel the need to, and so I didn't bother to say anything more than a "sorry!" We are after all, in a professional environment, and we are all full grown adults. 

A rather large pink teddy bear surely doesn't stand for either the professional environment or for the full grown adults. Why was it such a big deal, then? Did it mean so much to her simply because it still made her feel like a little girl? Did the teddy bear in some way offer her some protection from the real world?

The owner of the rather large pink teddy bear is a classic example of the kind of women who make it harder for other talented and independent women to survive the world - not because they carry around large pink teddy bears, but simply because they are choosing to continue to be girls and not allow themselves to turn into women. They are choosing to be weak and vunerable, and are happy to let the world know. And the world is ready to support and protect them. 

The same world finds it difficult to deal with an independent, talented and powerful woman. 

If a woman displays any kind of work ethic - she's not being flexible.

If a woman has an opinion - she's arrogant.

If a woman is making sense - it isn't going to be scaleable. 

If a woman is pretty - she must be really dumb.

If she isn't pretty - she's a geek.

If the woman's independent - she's a rebel.

If she's influencial - she's manipulative. 

The world (note: I'm not saying 'men,' because most women do this) is ready to support the weak and vunerable woman, calling out for attention. Who'll stand up for the independent, talented and powerful woman, then? It's the other independent, talented and powerful women who are doing this, and will continue to. 

Everyone else is yet to grow up. 

~d

PS- Some would say that I'm just being insensitive. I don't think so. I think I'm just living in the real world, facing real situations and responding to them realistically. 

24

I turned 24 yesterday. I've decided that, every year, I'm going to make one list of all things I loved about the year that went by, and one more for what I'd like to do in the year to come. So, here's to that thought!

23 things I loved about last year*:

01- I spent a lot of time with the Bombay girls. (I need to learn to start calling that place Mumbai.)

02- I found good friends in a lot of people who were earlier just friends. 

03- My job. I've actually enjoyed working on new and challenging tasks this year. 

04- All the traveling! It's been hectic & exciting on the work front, but it's been great on the personal front. 

05- Naagu and Amrith got married. After being apart for all the time that they were together. And, I was there to witness it! 

06- Marloes & Martijn got married. After being together for 8 years. And, I was there to witness it!

07- Vaish and Shakil decided to get married. Next year when I make this list, I hope to say 'NS & Shakil got married.'

08- I started working out more regularly. There is definite space for improvement here, but it's a start nevertheless. 

09- I've spent more time with my Grandma. I'd like to spend more time with her in the next year. 

10- Nandu moved in to the flat upstairs. She has some horrid night shifts, but weekends are fun with her around. 

11- Little Pree got to go to Dublin. 

12- I got promoted and got a salary 'bump.' 

13- I stood up for myself and for what was the right thing to do. 

14- I loved my one-day long Pune trip. Had a fabulous time with Aku! 

15- I learnt the 'hangover' lesson the hard way, and suffered the worst kind of it. Highly doubt I'll be doing 40 odd shots in one night, again! 

16- I fell in love with my iPod. Now, I just can't imagine a life without it. 

17- The little sister went to represent India at the youth world championships in Aarhus. It was tough for her to get there, and tougher for her to last out. But, she fought the odds and performed. I am so proud of her! 

18- I went back to Kodai with my family. Had a great few days, over the New Year celebrations. 

19- India won the first ever individual olympic gold medal. 

20- Appa's decided to retire. He's had a long and exhausting career. It's an early decision, but it's time. And, I'm glad for him. 

21- I was lucky to hear Abdul Kalam live - an experience I'll never forget!

22- I've started to cook & try out new and different things - jello shots, sangria & pancakes!

23- I started blogging. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed writing, until I started again. 

24 things I want to do this year*:

01- Start calling Bombay, Mumbai. 

02- Prioritize everything in life, and get around to tackling it all, one by one. 

03- I want to go bunjee jumping or white water rafting. I think I'd prefer the latter! 

04- I want to go to Jodhpur. 

05- I want to go back to studying, and get myself a degree so I can call myself educated. 

06- I want to be able to drive a car on a road with traffic. Driving on an empty road doesn't count!

07- I want to start up a cooking blog of my own. Not to compete with Naagu's. But, simply to put down some fun recipes for later use. 

08- I want to be more transparent about the way I feel. Sometimes, to be politically correct, I pretend to feel one way, while I'm completely feeling the other way. 

09- I would like to buy more clothes in white and red, and less in black. 

10- I want to learn to forgive. I know I can forget easily. But, I need to learn to forgive, before I forget. 

11- I want to learn to make Baby Guinness, and Bailey's Coffee! 

12- I want to learn to keep in better touch with friends. 

13- I want to get myself a funky new haircut! 

14- I want to go to Bhutan. 

15- I also want to go to Egypt. (Where I'll get the money from, I don't know!)

16- I want to learn how to be smart about my money. 

17- I want to start taking artistic yoga classes. I've heard so much about it, I need to know what it is about. Won't hurt if it helps me loose some weight along the way! 

18- I want to work things out with friends that I've lost along the way. Life's too short to let fabulous people go by. 

19- If I don't like something, I don't want to have to hate the person for doing it or being that way. I want to be able to hate the action, not the person. 

20- I want to be a better listener. When a friend or the voice inside has something to say, I need to listen. 

21- I want to spend more time with my sister, before she grows up. She's already turning 18 this year!

22- I want to be able to dance, without embarrassing myself.

23- I want to learn to be a better judge of people. 

24- I want to turn 25 with a big bang, and no regrets! 

*The lists  are in no particular order. 

Understanding

He wasn't a bad guy. He's was just like anyone else - he came with his weaknesses. Time and time again, he gave in. And when I found out, I gave up. 

But, I don't want to take away from the three great years we've spent together. If he hadn't loved me, he could have taken any opportunity to move on. If he hadn't loved me, he wouldn't be hurting so much, right now. 

At the end of this, I'm thankful and sad. 

I'm thankful for all my fabulous friends who've stood by me through everything. They've made it so much easier for me. I just hope that someday I'm able to be there for them the same way. 

I'm sad that he doesn't have the same. Through this tough time, he's been alone. It's been much harder for him than it has been for me. I hope that he finds the peace and strength to deal with it and move on. 

As for myself, I just hope that I find a way to fill the emptiness that I still feel. I know it is going to be hard. But, I also know I'll make it. 

Shock

After all of this, I am shocked to find out that his past (within our relationship) is deeper. Suddenly all that I've felt over the last couple of days seem to fade.

I don't want to talk to or hear from him. I just want that he does nothing stupid. I hope he sets his life back on track. That's all I ask for. 

Emptiness

The void is getting bigger now.

When I go to pick up coconut water from the fridge, I get two bottles. Just so I don't miss picking one up for him.

At the end of a day, I call someone (anyone, really) and wish them goodnight, just so I don't miss hearing it back. 

When I go to bed at night, I leave a pillow where he used to sleep. Just so I don't feel the emptiness when I wake in the middle of the night. 

What he did was wrong. But, does that mean that I never loved him? No. In fact, I still do. And, clearly, I miss him. I wish things could have been different. 

Sadness

The anger has started to wear off. Now I feel alone. I feel that lifesized hole in my life. It makes me sad. 

I have some great friends who've been there for me through this. But at the end of the day, I have only myself to deal with. And, I don't know what to do with myself. 

Should I go back to being angry? It was all easier to deal with then. 

Or, should I just forgive and take this as an opportunity to move on? This will be hard to do, but may be my only chance.

Anger

I feel only anger. I let myself be fooled. Over and over again.

I thought we were trying to make things work. I thought we were in love. At least, I know I loved him. All for what? To be cheated on? To be lied to?

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not one to forgive easily. He's made the mistake. And, there will be no going back.

when the stars go blue

I'm not happy with where things stand as of now, but he is. I want more from life, and he has all that he wants. I don't want ordinary anymore. I want extraordinary. This is his extraordinary. I am not willing to step down on my expectations and he isn't willing to step it up. So, that makes us two people who love each other, but want very different things from life. 

Now, we're on a break to figure out what we want for ourselves, and then to see if we can still work it out. I know I'm doing the right thing by taking this time off. I need some perspective and this is possibly the only way I'll get close to getting it. But it isn't easy and it certainly doesn't feel right.

If it doesn't feel right, have we still made the right decision?

Sangria!

Since my last post, I been feeling the need to post a few more of my recipes. So, here's one for Spanish Sangria - one of my favorite drinks!

But, before I start, let me tell you the story of how this came to be one of my favorite drinks: It was in June '08, and I was in Barcelona. I was at this neat hostel somewhere near the city center. I was sharing a room with a few others, and luckily for me, all of them turned out to be really nice! From what I can remember, there was Francisco from New York, and Tima from Amsterdam. I'd returned late that night, after doing a hop-on hop-off of the city. Frank thought that it might be a good idea for a few of us to head out and get some sangria. So, we did. It was one of the nicest nights I'd had. We were out until 2.30 in the morning, drinking pitchers of sangria at a local pub, and talking about travel and cultures. Since then, every time that I've made or ordered sangria, I've been reminded of that fabulous night. 

So, this recipe is dedicated to that night!

Here's what you'll need:

2 pc. oranges

1 pc. apple

1/2 pc. pineapple

1 pc. pomegranate

3 pc. lemons

4 cups sugar

1/2 l. of orange juice

2 cups rum/brandy

1 l. of any red wine 

1/4 l. of club soda

Here's how you make it:

1 Cut all the oranges and 2 pieces of lemon in rings, the pineapples in cubes, and the apples in little pieces. Pluck out all the pomegranate seeds. Put all of this in a big jug. 

2 Add the sugar and squeeze out one lemon on to the fruit. Then add the orange juice. 

3 Add the rum/brandy.

4 Leave this mixture in the fridge overnight.

5 Before serving, add all the chilled red wine to the mixture. Also add the soda, to wake the drink up and give it fizz.

It's now ready to serve! 

Some other tips:

~ you can actually add any fruit you like

~ if you want to make it stronger, just add more rum/brandy

~ to dilute, add more fruit juice

~ for some zing, add a few mint leaves

Pancakes... Yummm!

I went out on that walk, picked up stuff at Reliance Fresh, and then made pancakes* for dinner. 

Here's what I did:

Step 1: Put 4 cups of low-fat milk, with 3 small spoons of vanilla flavor and 6 full eggs in a big bowl. Beat it all up. 

Step 2: After beating it all together for 5 minutes, add 6 big spoons of molten butter. Continue to beat it up. It should be fluffy by now. 

Step 3: Add 5 small spoons of baking powder, along with 6 big spoons of sugar. Continue to beat it up. 

Step 4: Add 4.5 cups of maida to it and beat it up immediately. Don't let it get lumpy. The batter should thick now.

Step 5: Chop up and add fruit of your choice. 

Step 6: Let it sit for at least 10 minutes. 

Step 7: Heat the pan and apply a small amount of butter on it. Leave the stove on a small-medium flame. Put out small amounts of it, in the center and wait for it to bubble on top. You can add choco chips and sugar at this stage. 

Step 8: Flip over in under a minute and let it cook on the other side. 

Step 9: Wait for another 45-60 seconds and take it off the stove. 

Step 10: Add honey/maple/chocolate syrup and dig in!

*This makes about 12 huge pancakes, in just 30 minutes.

6.47pm on September 20, at Flat 2, 8-2-609/B/3.

me: We're so boring. We don't do anything different. We never used to be like this. Think 3 years ago. 

him: We don't always watch a movie and then eat at Rajdhani. We do different things.

me: Yeah, you are right. That is so exciting. 

him: Do what you want, Dash. 

me: Yeah, OK. I will. I think I will go running now. Will go change. 

him: OK. Can you turn on your system and let me watch some 'How I met your mother?'

me: Sure. In a minute?

* at this point, I come to write this post *

This is what we've come to. 

$%*&&*!@ (^$$.

A good day

Today's been a good day. I didn't go to work. (Already sounds like a lot of fun, right? That's what I thought!) Anyway, so I woke late, went upstairs and spent time with N. While most will chat up over a cup of coffee and the newspaper, we chatted up over common friend's Facebook profiles!

Did a lot of miscellaneous things over the day and then in the evening, I set out for a jog. It felt good to be out! I love running and I love working out. I wonder why I ever stopped. And then, as I was running, it started to rain really heavily. So, I waited under a tree. 

It was interesting to stand on the road and just wait. I can't remember the last time I'd waited and watched the rain. That's when, a kid ran by, skipping and thoroughly enjoying himself. That inspired me, and as soon as the rain started to subside, I ran most of the way back home. It felt great! 

Most importantly, it reminded me of how much I loved to run. Going forward, I'm not going to have it any other way. I love running, and I love my neighborhood. So, without any further excuses, I'm going to Just do it! 

<|<| and |>

Sunday - September 14, 2008

Once again, early day. But, not as early as the previous day. 

Made my way back to the big city, before the Ganesh Visarjans began. Made it in pretty good time. Got some sleep on the ride back. Spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening with Supriya and then the rest of the evening with Anumeha first, and later with Anuradha, Arlene and Andrew. 

It was a fun evening. But something inside of me was very disconnected. I didn't feel like I belonged. Something was nagging me. Still not able to figure what it was about. 

I'd spent my entire weekend with some of the women that I loved the most in the world - some of my best friends. Then, why was I feeling this way?

One of them is in a relationship for the first time, another is in a real relationship (yes, there are things such as non-real relationships) for the first time, and then another is on the brink of one. And there I was - 3 years steady and still sailing. 

Suddenly, I felt stuck. Stuck in a rut. I am 23, soon to be 24. Am I supposed to think of this as being tied down or as something steady that I can lean on. As much as I want to think the latter way, I feel tied down. S is a great guy. It isn't him. It's me. No, really, It's me. 

I've always needed constant change. This is my theory to it - all my life, something big has always changed every three years, roughly. And, I think I've gotten used to it now. It's in my DNA. Three years of constant has just wooshed by. Could it be that same feeling again? 

* panic * panic * panic *

Saturday - September 13, 2008

It started early. Very early! 

I took an early morning bus to Pune. Spent the entire day with Aakanksha. We made no plans, but it turned out to be one of the best days of my grown up life. 

So, what did we do?

We got startefd with some some food at Vaishali of the Vaishali-Rupali fame. 

Then booked an evening show and headed off to a parlor to get pampered. We dared each other to paint our toes in strange colors. Crazy! But, felt good! Best part - parlors in Pune are the cheapest I've ever been to. Ever! 

Then we went to watch Mamma Mia!! Was a fun movie.. It was an ABBA equivalent of Across-the-Universe. I'm not a huge Abba fan, but loved it anyway. I realize that I'm a sucker for musicals!

We were on our way out, when we saw that Jazz was having a night of live retro music. Instinctively, the both of us just took the right, and walked into the empty bar. Made total sense for us to do that, given the musical mood we were in. It's another story all together, that the band turned out to suck. They played bollywood masala music and tried to pull that off as classic rock. Haha... Really! 

We laughed at first, and then continued to chat on about our Coffee? and Movenpik days, while enjoying our pitcher of half-decent sangria. Felt comfortingly familiar.

Too much wine and too much song, wonder how we got along? 

;-) 

{hugs!} 

Friday - September 12, 2008

Good day. Long day!

Lots of chaos and uncertainty, but all's well that ends well, right? All did end well - the agency night went off well and everyone played their part to exceed expectations. So, I was happy :)

Day 30776896294

I've been terrible. I haven't posted as much as I'd have liked. More importantly, I've eaten all the wrong things and have been a terrible person. 

But, I have a post saved on my phone, and I will post it at my next best opportunity. 

*&%@W&@%(*#

Day 1 of Resolution

So, how did I do today?

- I gymmed. But, then ate rasam shadam and thaiyyir shadam. So, purpose has been defeated.

- Have to work late tonight. Did I just give one priority a bit too much importance? 

- Spend time with boyfriend. Hardly. A little. I should call him now, actually. 

- Campus research. Did some. Very little, actually. Shame on me. 

- Travel wise did well, I think. Have been researching Egypt. Looking forward to it. 

- Money wise, have none. 

5 things I loved about today:

- went to the gym.

- spent time with boy.

- managed to understand how to think at a slightly higher level. Proud of self. 

- wrapped a gift for Shenoy's baby. This is a first for me. So, doubly proud of self.

- spoke to my aunt. 

5 things I could have done better:

- prepped my trainers for the dry run with S & K better. They got attacked unnecessarily. 

- not eaten rice.

- saved some more money.

- did some college research.

- not eaten those banana chips.

Clearly, I suck at this.

I've been meaning to post more often, but I haven't. 2 posts/month over the last 2 months. Shameful. 

Starting today, this is going to change. I've also decided that it is now time for me to take 100% charge of my life and start prioritizing everything that is important. 

Here's a list of everything that I need to focus on: 

- work

- gym/walk/aerobics

- eating right

- loose weight (above two points feed into it)

- get back to studying

- read

- music

- write/blog

Starting today, I'm going to put everything else aside and focus on just this. I need to prove to myself that I can go back to being that very organized being that I was once. 

Here's to a fresh start! 

~d

It's 4.30 in the afternoon and I'm...

... sitting at a fabulous little roadside cafe, in Mumbai, writing this post. It's probably the only city in India, where I could do this. Maybe I could in B'lore, but I highly doubt I would. So then, maybe I should rephrase my sentence to say - It's probably the only city in India, where I know I'd want to do this. 

I thought of many things that I could put down - about my afternoon here, my memories of this place, or even about my fabulous chocolate-caramel-banana-crepe. But, then I realized that there was only point that I wanted to drive home, over and over again. 

I love this city. 

Realizations, Apologies & Confessions.

S,

Lately, I have been cold and though you can't seem to figure out why, I know only all too well. I wasn't thinking straight, and thanks to something that V said I've realized that I was wrong in thinking that way. Playgrounds look good from afar, but I'm sure that they will be as filthy if I go back. I don't want to go back to find out. Now that I'm grown up, I want to learn to appreciate what's with me now. So, as I publish this post, I promise to do just that. 

I am putting this down now, so whenever I doubt myself again, I come back to read this - to remind myself of this fabulous feeling of being in love. 

You should know that I fall in love with you over and over again, everytime that you:

- leave that small bit of breakfast for me, just because you know I like it. 

- offer to foot my shopping bills. All of them. 

- get that old-man look on your face, and you actually think you look just 22!  28 is old, you know!

- loose a carrom game to me deliberately, just because I am such a sore looser. 

- come to check on me in the kitchen, when I make Saturday breakfast & tea.

- wear my pink t-shirt, when you have no other option.

- demand that I make you maggi in the middle of the night. 

- email me between those thousand meetings just to say that you miss me. 

- hug me when I need it most.

- call to put me to sleep - even if we speak for just 1:43 minutes. It makes the day worthwhile. 

- say 'I love you,' even when I don't. 

- continue to love me, even when I think I don't. 

The only time I don't love you is when you tell me to stop buying shoes. That - I don't appreciate. I really don't. 

S - I love you tons and tons. Can't imagine a day go by without you. Thank you for being in my life. 

Forever & Always...

Just Breathe

R,

I found out on Saturday that you have this heart condition. It broke me. I wish you could have said something earlier. I wish I'd heard it, even without you having to say it. Now on, I promise to listen more carefully. 

I know you can't read this, and you can't respond in words. But, I still want you to hear what I have to say, because you deserve to hear it. 

You've given me a reason to want to come back. When I wanted to run away and hide, you came to me to remind me of what I would loose, if I did. You've made my coming back worth the while. 

You've taught me to be patient and want the simple things in life. The sincerety with with you show gratitude for something as small as two scoops of a local vanilla ice cream, amazes me each time.

Most importantly, you've taught me to love and to be loved. I will always remember that night when we just sat on the bedroom floor and spent time. We did that for a long time. I saw pure love when I looked in your eyes. That, I will never forget.

I want you to know that I'm with you through and through. We're going to fight it. You're going to be fine. And, when that happens, you and I are going to go out and celebrate with two scoops of some very special vanilla ice cream. 

Because you are something so very special!

Yours always...

Hello, again.

Last night, I stayed up talking to A. I've known her 22 years. Yes, that is a long long long time, given that I'm not much older than that. We hadn't really spent time like this, in a very long time. But, being able to talk to and relate to someone from so far back was comforting. It felt good. And more importantly, it felt familiar.


It made me wonder - should we go back to what is familiar, every now and then, to just feel that comfort that you otherwise don't realize you need?

I would like to. Right now, this instant - I want to go back. I want to go back to something that was too far back, and yet not all that long ago. Something that is too far away now. I want to go back there, just to feel that rush once more. This time around, I promise to appreciate it for all that it's worth.

I want to go back, just to be able to say:

- Thank you for the best memories. They'll always stay with me. No matter what.
- I want to help you build that home for the elderly, as I promised.
- I'll always be just a phone call away.
- I'm sorry, I didn't know any better. Please don't hate me.

Today, I want to go back just to say - "Have a Great Day!"

Return to reality.

Am I living in the past? I hope not. Am I living in the present and hoping? Maybe. If so, am I being unfair to what is solely in the present? Possibly.

Like I said, I don't know what is right and wrong. But, I do know that this familiarity is my comfort. I don't know if I will continue to feel this way tomorrow, or even later tonight. But for now, I crave it.


Thanks A, for the lovely conversation. Both of us were tired and sleepy, and had long days ahead of us. But, it was worth every second. You should know that you are more family to me than friend. Also, it's that conversation that's now got me writing this blog*.

*This is my first post on this blog. I've set up blogs before, but they haven't exactly been personal blogs. So, I'll consider this to be my first post on my first blog.