Understanding

He wasn't a bad guy. He's was just like anyone else - he came with his weaknesses. Time and time again, he gave in. And when I found out, I gave up. 

But, I don't want to take away from the three great years we've spent together. If he hadn't loved me, he could have taken any opportunity to move on. If he hadn't loved me, he wouldn't be hurting so much, right now. 

At the end of this, I'm thankful and sad. 

I'm thankful for all my fabulous friends who've stood by me through everything. They've made it so much easier for me. I just hope that someday I'm able to be there for them the same way. 

I'm sad that he doesn't have the same. Through this tough time, he's been alone. It's been much harder for him than it has been for me. I hope that he finds the peace and strength to deal with it and move on. 

As for myself, I just hope that I find a way to fill the emptiness that I still feel. I know it is going to be hard. But, I also know I'll make it. 

Shock

After all of this, I am shocked to find out that his past (within our relationship) is deeper. Suddenly all that I've felt over the last couple of days seem to fade.

I don't want to talk to or hear from him. I just want that he does nothing stupid. I hope he sets his life back on track. That's all I ask for. 

Emptiness

The void is getting bigger now.

When I go to pick up coconut water from the fridge, I get two bottles. Just so I don't miss picking one up for him.

At the end of a day, I call someone (anyone, really) and wish them goodnight, just so I don't miss hearing it back. 

When I go to bed at night, I leave a pillow where he used to sleep. Just so I don't feel the emptiness when I wake in the middle of the night. 

What he did was wrong. But, does that mean that I never loved him? No. In fact, I still do. And, clearly, I miss him. I wish things could have been different. 

Sadness

The anger has started to wear off. Now I feel alone. I feel that lifesized hole in my life. It makes me sad. 

I have some great friends who've been there for me through this. But at the end of the day, I have only myself to deal with. And, I don't know what to do with myself. 

Should I go back to being angry? It was all easier to deal with then. 

Or, should I just forgive and take this as an opportunity to move on? This will be hard to do, but may be my only chance.

Anger

I feel only anger. I let myself be fooled. Over and over again.

I thought we were trying to make things work. I thought we were in love. At least, I know I loved him. All for what? To be cheated on? To be lied to?

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not one to forgive easily. He's made the mistake. And, there will be no going back.

when the stars go blue

I'm not happy with where things stand as of now, but he is. I want more from life, and he has all that he wants. I don't want ordinary anymore. I want extraordinary. This is his extraordinary. I am not willing to step down on my expectations and he isn't willing to step it up. So, that makes us two people who love each other, but want very different things from life. 

Now, we're on a break to figure out what we want for ourselves, and then to see if we can still work it out. I know I'm doing the right thing by taking this time off. I need some perspective and this is possibly the only way I'll get close to getting it. But it isn't easy and it certainly doesn't feel right.

If it doesn't feel right, have we still made the right decision?

Sangria!

Since my last post, I been feeling the need to post a few more of my recipes. So, here's one for Spanish Sangria - one of my favorite drinks!

But, before I start, let me tell you the story of how this came to be one of my favorite drinks: It was in June '08, and I was in Barcelona. I was at this neat hostel somewhere near the city center. I was sharing a room with a few others, and luckily for me, all of them turned out to be really nice! From what I can remember, there was Francisco from New York, and Tima from Amsterdam. I'd returned late that night, after doing a hop-on hop-off of the city. Frank thought that it might be a good idea for a few of us to head out and get some sangria. So, we did. It was one of the nicest nights I'd had. We were out until 2.30 in the morning, drinking pitchers of sangria at a local pub, and talking about travel and cultures. Since then, every time that I've made or ordered sangria, I've been reminded of that fabulous night. 

So, this recipe is dedicated to that night!

Here's what you'll need:

2 pc. oranges

1 pc. apple

1/2 pc. pineapple

1 pc. pomegranate

3 pc. lemons

4 cups sugar

1/2 l. of orange juice

2 cups rum/brandy

1 l. of any red wine 

1/4 l. of club soda

Here's how you make it:

1 Cut all the oranges and 2 pieces of lemon in rings, the pineapples in cubes, and the apples in little pieces. Pluck out all the pomegranate seeds. Put all of this in a big jug. 

2 Add the sugar and squeeze out one lemon on to the fruit. Then add the orange juice. 

3 Add the rum/brandy.

4 Leave this mixture in the fridge overnight.

5 Before serving, add all the chilled red wine to the mixture. Also add the soda, to wake the drink up and give it fizz.

It's now ready to serve! 

Some other tips:

~ you can actually add any fruit you like

~ if you want to make it stronger, just add more rum/brandy

~ to dilute, add more fruit juice

~ for some zing, add a few mint leaves

Pancakes... Yummm!

I went out on that walk, picked up stuff at Reliance Fresh, and then made pancakes* for dinner. 

Here's what I did:

Step 1: Put 4 cups of low-fat milk, with 3 small spoons of vanilla flavor and 6 full eggs in a big bowl. Beat it all up. 

Step 2: After beating it all together for 5 minutes, add 6 big spoons of molten butter. Continue to beat it up. It should be fluffy by now. 

Step 3: Add 5 small spoons of baking powder, along with 6 big spoons of sugar. Continue to beat it up. 

Step 4: Add 4.5 cups of maida to it and beat it up immediately. Don't let it get lumpy. The batter should thick now.

Step 5: Chop up and add fruit of your choice. 

Step 6: Let it sit for at least 10 minutes. 

Step 7: Heat the pan and apply a small amount of butter on it. Leave the stove on a small-medium flame. Put out small amounts of it, in the center and wait for it to bubble on top. You can add choco chips and sugar at this stage. 

Step 8: Flip over in under a minute and let it cook on the other side. 

Step 9: Wait for another 45-60 seconds and take it off the stove. 

Step 10: Add honey/maple/chocolate syrup and dig in!

*This makes about 12 huge pancakes, in just 30 minutes.

6.47pm on September 20, at Flat 2, 8-2-609/B/3.

me: We're so boring. We don't do anything different. We never used to be like this. Think 3 years ago. 

him: We don't always watch a movie and then eat at Rajdhani. We do different things.

me: Yeah, you are right. That is so exciting. 

him: Do what you want, Dash. 

me: Yeah, OK. I will. I think I will go running now. Will go change. 

him: OK. Can you turn on your system and let me watch some 'How I met your mother?'

me: Sure. In a minute?

* at this point, I come to write this post *

This is what we've come to. 

$%*&&*!@ (^$$.

A good day

Today's been a good day. I didn't go to work. (Already sounds like a lot of fun, right? That's what I thought!) Anyway, so I woke late, went upstairs and spent time with N. While most will chat up over a cup of coffee and the newspaper, we chatted up over common friend's Facebook profiles!

Did a lot of miscellaneous things over the day and then in the evening, I set out for a jog. It felt good to be out! I love running and I love working out. I wonder why I ever stopped. And then, as I was running, it started to rain really heavily. So, I waited under a tree. 

It was interesting to stand on the road and just wait. I can't remember the last time I'd waited and watched the rain. That's when, a kid ran by, skipping and thoroughly enjoying himself. That inspired me, and as soon as the rain started to subside, I ran most of the way back home. It felt great! 

Most importantly, it reminded me of how much I loved to run. Going forward, I'm not going to have it any other way. I love running, and I love my neighborhood. So, without any further excuses, I'm going to Just do it! 

<|<| and |>

Sunday - September 14, 2008

Once again, early day. But, not as early as the previous day. 

Made my way back to the big city, before the Ganesh Visarjans began. Made it in pretty good time. Got some sleep on the ride back. Spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening with Supriya and then the rest of the evening with Anumeha first, and later with Anuradha, Arlene and Andrew. 

It was a fun evening. But something inside of me was very disconnected. I didn't feel like I belonged. Something was nagging me. Still not able to figure what it was about. 

I'd spent my entire weekend with some of the women that I loved the most in the world - some of my best friends. Then, why was I feeling this way?

One of them is in a relationship for the first time, another is in a real relationship (yes, there are things such as non-real relationships) for the first time, and then another is on the brink of one. And there I was - 3 years steady and still sailing. 

Suddenly, I felt stuck. Stuck in a rut. I am 23, soon to be 24. Am I supposed to think of this as being tied down or as something steady that I can lean on. As much as I want to think the latter way, I feel tied down. S is a great guy. It isn't him. It's me. No, really, It's me. 

I've always needed constant change. This is my theory to it - all my life, something big has always changed every three years, roughly. And, I think I've gotten used to it now. It's in my DNA. Three years of constant has just wooshed by. Could it be that same feeling again? 

* panic * panic * panic *

Saturday - September 13, 2008

It started early. Very early! 

I took an early morning bus to Pune. Spent the entire day with Aakanksha. We made no plans, but it turned out to be one of the best days of my grown up life. 

So, what did we do?

We got startefd with some some food at Vaishali of the Vaishali-Rupali fame. 

Then booked an evening show and headed off to a parlor to get pampered. We dared each other to paint our toes in strange colors. Crazy! But, felt good! Best part - parlors in Pune are the cheapest I've ever been to. Ever! 

Then we went to watch Mamma Mia!! Was a fun movie.. It was an ABBA equivalent of Across-the-Universe. I'm not a huge Abba fan, but loved it anyway. I realize that I'm a sucker for musicals!

We were on our way out, when we saw that Jazz was having a night of live retro music. Instinctively, the both of us just took the right, and walked into the empty bar. Made total sense for us to do that, given the musical mood we were in. It's another story all together, that the band turned out to suck. They played bollywood masala music and tried to pull that off as classic rock. Haha... Really! 

We laughed at first, and then continued to chat on about our Coffee? and Movenpik days, while enjoying our pitcher of half-decent sangria. Felt comfortingly familiar.

Too much wine and too much song, wonder how we got along? 

;-) 

{hugs!} 

Friday - September 12, 2008

Good day. Long day!

Lots of chaos and uncertainty, but all's well that ends well, right? All did end well - the agency night went off well and everyone played their part to exceed expectations. So, I was happy :)

Day 30776896294

I've been terrible. I haven't posted as much as I'd have liked. More importantly, I've eaten all the wrong things and have been a terrible person. 

But, I have a post saved on my phone, and I will post it at my next best opportunity. 

*&%@W&@%(*#

Day 1 of Resolution

So, how did I do today?

- I gymmed. But, then ate rasam shadam and thaiyyir shadam. So, purpose has been defeated.

- Have to work late tonight. Did I just give one priority a bit too much importance? 

- Spend time with boyfriend. Hardly. A little. I should call him now, actually. 

- Campus research. Did some. Very little, actually. Shame on me. 

- Travel wise did well, I think. Have been researching Egypt. Looking forward to it. 

- Money wise, have none. 

5 things I loved about today:

- went to the gym.

- spent time with boy.

- managed to understand how to think at a slightly higher level. Proud of self. 

- wrapped a gift for Shenoy's baby. This is a first for me. So, doubly proud of self.

- spoke to my aunt. 

5 things I could have done better:

- prepped my trainers for the dry run with S & K better. They got attacked unnecessarily. 

- not eaten rice.

- saved some more money.

- did some college research.

- not eaten those banana chips.

Clearly, I suck at this.

I've been meaning to post more often, but I haven't. 2 posts/month over the last 2 months. Shameful. 

Starting today, this is going to change. I've also decided that it is now time for me to take 100% charge of my life and start prioritizing everything that is important. 

Here's a list of everything that I need to focus on: 

- work

- gym/walk/aerobics

- eating right

- loose weight (above two points feed into it)

- get back to studying

- read

- music

- write/blog

Starting today, I'm going to put everything else aside and focus on just this. I need to prove to myself that I can go back to being that very organized being that I was once. 

Here's to a fresh start! 

~d