Glass Half Full

The day before yesterday, I received more news. Disgusting news. Sick news. News that made me want to find the nearest bag, and vomit into it. Yes, it was WRT the break up. 

I'd just started to think that everything would be fine again. And, here was this truth, sticking out in front of me, telling me that it wasn't. I've tried a very long time to see the glass half full. I do believe that things get better. In fact, just the previous day, I'd noticed a sad status message on a friend's facebook profile, and out of concern I'd checked in to see if everything was ok. Here's how our conversation went (slightly edited):

me: if i may ask.. why the sad status?

him: depressing times

me: it will get better

it always does

him: budday soon, and cog-in-the-machine-frustration

me: i can totally relate to that feeling!

him: actually, funnily (albeit in a dark way), it always gets worse

me: no. it doesnt. it always gets better.

and don't you worry - we'll find a way to drive away your brithday blues

him: :)

hopefully the blore and goa trips will provide some momentary relief

me: i'm hoping for the same!

no wait. what nonsense. really. stop being morose.

nothing is so bad

him: hmm yeah

will try to be upbeat

So, as you can see, while I doubt myself at times, at the end of the day, I know that I am the kind of person who believes that it always gets better. 

At least that's what I thought, until I found out that it actually gets worse. Once you've tried to be cheery about things for so long, you really start to doubt if the glass is really half full anymore. And then, here is the conversation that followed (again, slightly edited):

me: you're right. it goes downhill.

him: what happens?

me: shit happens. you're so totally right. it doesn't get better. it gets worse. only worse.

...

him: hmm

oye

cheer up

it gets bad

and it gets worse

me: yeah.. i get that

him: but as long as you rant and let it not bog you down, it's perfectly okay

so rant rant rant to everyone of your friends

and go grab some ice cream

me: (bad throat, rmember)

him: then rant about that too

life's unfair

(sorry, i'm pretty cynical)

you call someone you can trust as a friend and rant and rant

me: 

trust me, i'll be doing that

It was like I was a different person all together, in just under 24 hours. I had turned cynical too. It bothered me that I was thinking that way. I'd let my doubts get the better of me. Since I couldn't have the ice cream (owing to a bad throat), I ran instead. I went upstairs to the gym and ran. Ran, ran and ran. 

Suddenly I found myself thinking straight again. I conquered that doubt. Life is unfair. And life does throw some pretty horrid moments at you. Life gets tough. It's gets bad. And then it does get worse. But, at the end of that, it gets better. It always does. 

How it is going to get better, I honestly don't know. But I know that one day it will. And when it does, I'll be posting about it. 

Until then, here's to life and all its ups and downs! Cheers!

Darshini Ink.

I'd been wanting a tattoo for quite some time now, but I wasn't sure what I'd wanted and so never really went ahead with it. Then, sometime last week, when I was running on the treadmill of the office gym along side the ex and the most recent of his young lovers, it struck me that it would be ideal for me to get a tattoo that symbolizes inner strength. 

The break up wasn't easy. I know that it took some courage and strength on my part to survive it. I pride myself in that. I wanted the tattoo to remind me be that way for the rest of my life. 

So, on October 26, Nandu (thank you, for coming with me) and I set out. And, after much running around in the sun, I finally got the tattoo! 

I love it! 

Here's a pic that was taken much later - November 1, 2008 - at Pree's fabulous Gossip Girl party (I'll be posting about it another day) - 

Understanding

He wasn't a bad guy. He's was just like anyone else - he came with his weaknesses. Time and time again, he gave in. And when I found out, I gave up. 

But, I don't want to take away from the three great years we've spent together. If he hadn't loved me, he could have taken any opportunity to move on. If he hadn't loved me, he wouldn't be hurting so much, right now. 

At the end of this, I'm thankful and sad. 

I'm thankful for all my fabulous friends who've stood by me through everything. They've made it so much easier for me. I just hope that someday I'm able to be there for them the same way. 

I'm sad that he doesn't have the same. Through this tough time, he's been alone. It's been much harder for him than it has been for me. I hope that he finds the peace and strength to deal with it and move on. 

As for myself, I just hope that I find a way to fill the emptiness that I still feel. I know it is going to be hard. But, I also know I'll make it. 

Shock

After all of this, I am shocked to find out that his past (within our relationship) is deeper. Suddenly all that I've felt over the last couple of days seem to fade.

I don't want to talk to or hear from him. I just want that he does nothing stupid. I hope he sets his life back on track. That's all I ask for. 

Emptiness

The void is getting bigger now.

When I go to pick up coconut water from the fridge, I get two bottles. Just so I don't miss picking one up for him.

At the end of a day, I call someone (anyone, really) and wish them goodnight, just so I don't miss hearing it back. 

When I go to bed at night, I leave a pillow where he used to sleep. Just so I don't feel the emptiness when I wake in the middle of the night. 

What he did was wrong. But, does that mean that I never loved him? No. In fact, I still do. And, clearly, I miss him. I wish things could have been different. 

Sadness

The anger has started to wear off. Now I feel alone. I feel that lifesized hole in my life. It makes me sad. 

I have some great friends who've been there for me through this. But at the end of the day, I have only myself to deal with. And, I don't know what to do with myself. 

Should I go back to being angry? It was all easier to deal with then. 

Or, should I just forgive and take this as an opportunity to move on? This will be hard to do, but may be my only chance.

Anger

I feel only anger. I let myself be fooled. Over and over again.

I thought we were trying to make things work. I thought we were in love. At least, I know I loved him. All for what? To be cheated on? To be lied to?

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not one to forgive easily. He's made the mistake. And, there will be no going back.

when the stars go blue

I'm not happy with where things stand as of now, but he is. I want more from life, and he has all that he wants. I don't want ordinary anymore. I want extraordinary. This is his extraordinary. I am not willing to step down on my expectations and he isn't willing to step it up. So, that makes us two people who love each other, but want very different things from life. 

Now, we're on a break to figure out what we want for ourselves, and then to see if we can still work it out. I know I'm doing the right thing by taking this time off. I need some perspective and this is possibly the only way I'll get close to getting it. But it isn't easy and it certainly doesn't feel right.

If it doesn't feel right, have we still made the right decision?